Pattern Your Parenting After the Fatherhood of God

Sermon Transcript

“You are a person of historic significance.” That’s the first sentence in the book To The Tenth Generation: God’s Heart for Your Family, Far Into the Future by Ray and Jani Ortlund. “You are a person of historic significance.” Why begin a book on parenting that way? Well, do the math. If you and your spouse have three children and each of them have three children, and so forth, by the fifth generation you’ll have 243 descendants. In just five generations you’ll have twice as many descendants as the population of the town in North Idaho that my parents lived in until a couple years ago. In ten generations, you will have over 59,000 descendants! Your parenting will have a historic impact. You are a person of historic significance. Now, you may be thinking, “but I’m not a parent.” Well, you may be a parent one day and you’ll be a person of historic significance. But even if you never become a parent biologically or through adoption, you can have what some Christian traditions call “spiritual sons” or “spiritual daughters,” and the same math applies. By discipling others, doing intentional spiritual good to them so that they become more like Christ, you can be a spiritual father or mother of historic significance. Just think of the historic significance of the Lord Jesus Christ, who never had any children, but had disciples. And discipling and parenting, according to Proverbs, have a lot in common. So, if you’re not a parent, here are a few questions you can keep asking yourself as we work our way through Proverbs on parenting: How would I like to apply this when I become a parent? How can I encourage parents in the church? How can this inform the way I seek to be a spiritual mother or father through discipling? How can I use what I’m learning to take an active role in partnering with parents in the church to help raise their children in the context of the family of God?

The most important thing I can tell you about good human parenting is that it flows from and is patterned after the Fatherhood of God. Proverbs 3:11-12 – My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights. Our parenting is downstream from the Fatherhood of God. That brings us to the big idea of Proverbs on parenting: Pattern your parenting after the Fatherhood of God. Pattern your parenting after the Fatherhood of God. How do we do that? Three words capture Proverbs’ vision for parenting: 1. Delight 2. Disciple 3. Discipline.

DELIGHT

Proverbs 3:11-12 – My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights. Our Heavenly Father disciples us and disciplines us, and both are downstream from his love for us. Zephaniah 3:17 says our Heavenly Father rejoices over us with loud singing (Zephaniah 3:17). To pattern our parenting after the Fatherhood of God means that our first responsibility is to delight in our children; to hold them as dear to us in our hearts, to have a ball loudly rejoicing over them, to love them. Everything is downstream from delight.

Perhaps the greatest American theologian of all time, Jonathan Edwards, described heaven as a world of love. As parents, delighting in our children means working together to make our homes a foretaste of heaven for our children. I have three ideas for how we can make our homes a foretaste of heaven, a world of love and delight for our children. First, experience the delight of God daily. At the heart of the Christian gospel is the concept of adoption. When we repent and believe in our completely sinless and totally righteous Savior, Jesus Christ, God the Father treats us as if we had never sinned and as if we accomplished all the obedience that Christ imputes to our record. The doctrine of adoption says that God the Father looks at me, and every true believer in Jesus Christ, with all the affection and delight that He has for Jesus Christ. Live under the delight of your Heavenly Father and your heart will become fertile soil for delight in your children to grow. Second, to make your home a foretaste of the heavenly world of love, as Romans 12 says, make your home a place where you outdo one another in showing honor. There are many ways to do that, but in our home, from time-to-time, over dinner or in the car, I’ll just say, “let’s take a few minutes and honor one another. Each person, take a turn sharing one thing that you love and appreciate about everyone else in the family. That mutual honoring helps children experience your delight for them and helps them learn to honor one another. Finally, do mutually enjoyable activities with your children, especially activities they love. Read them books, build legos, bake, wrestle, go hunting, play games, teach them sports, bring them into your hobbies, and just have a blast doing what they love and, if possible, what you like. If screens must be involved, then make it a big screen so that you can participate together. If your child has their own tablet or uses a family tablet regularly, please consider changing directions. One family tablet for very special occasions is fine, but beyond that it will work against the delight of shared activities. These shared activities will help your children know that they are your delight and they provide a wonderful opportunity for rich discussions about God and life along the way. The first way to pattern your parenting after the Fatherhood of God is to delight in your kids. Second…

DISCIPLE

To disciple is to train or instruct someone who follows you. Remember, we pattern our parenting after the Fatherhood of God. According to Proverbs, life is like a path. Like Christian in Pilgrim’s Progress, we want to walk the narrow path of faith in Jesus Christ to the very end so that we can be welcomed into the eternal Celestial City. How do we know the way to go? Our Heavenly Father is constantly teaching us the way. That’s why one of the common questions Christians ask one another in conversation is, “What’s the Father teaching you these days?” He’s constantly training us in the way we should go. He’s been doing that for us through Proverbs. Proverbs 22:6 teaches us how to pattern this part of our parenting after the Fatherhood of God: Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. It’s important to remember that proverbs are principles, not promises. So, don’t push this proverb beyond its intent such that you feel inordinate pressure or inordinate guilt as a parent. Parents are significantly responsible for the way their child goes, but not entirely or ultimately. But let’s not explain away this clear, true, and precious principle. If we train up our children in the way that they should go, then typically when they are old they will not depart from it. Remember, life is a path and the Bible teaches that every child is sinful by nature. Therefore, if we leave them to find themselves, they will not go the way they should go. Children are like gardens. All you need to do for weeds to grow up is to leave them alone. Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

So, what is the way that a child should go? First and foremost, the way our children should go is to heaven. Proverbs says to train up our children in the way that they should go and Jesus Christ says in John 14:16, “I am the way, the truth, and the life and no one comes to the Father except through me.” The way we should train up our children to go is Christ; trusting Him, treasuring Him, obeying Him, beholding Him, and becoming more like Him. How do we train up our children to go the way of Christ? Well, since the Bible is the perfect revelation of Jesus Christ train up our children in the way they should go by raising them in an environment cheerfully dominated by the Bible. As Doug Wilson writes in his book Keep Your Kids, “Kids are supposed to grow up in an environment dominated by the Word of God. They are to be taught constantly, and their parents are to show them what wholeheartedly loving God looks like.” There are two primary ways to raise our children in an environment dominated by the Bible so that they will go the way of Christ and not depart from him. The first way is by talking about Christ and His word in the normal rhythms of life. Deuteronomy 6:6-7 – And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. [7] You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. A great way to raise your children in an environment that is dominated by God’s word is to talk to your children all the time and naturally relate everything in their world to God and what He says in his word. Their life should be dominated by God-talk because He created all things – math & science, sports & music, hikes and honeybees – and all things exist for Him. Of course, raising your children in an environment dominated by God’s word factor into our prayerful decision about the educational option that we choose for our children. The second way is through focused times of learning from the Bible and prayer. What is sometimes called family worship or devotions. When it comes to daily, or close to daily, family worship or focused discipling of your children, I don’t want to prescribe too much. Learn what works for you and then be ready to adjust as your children age. In general, I recommend that five elements be present in your focused discipling of your children (not all in one sitting!): 1. The Bible or a children’s Bible 2. A catechism (New City Catechism, Heidelberg Catechism in modern translation, or the Westminster Shorter Catechism). 3. Prayer 4. Singing 5. Creativity – make it fun and interesting for them when at all possible. Let me say one final thing about discipling. The way our children should go is to heaven and our children should go there together. Proverbs 13:20 – Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. To train up your children in the way they should go requires leading your family to live a church-centered life. As Ray Ortlund says, “Church is a rich resource for long-term steadiness disguised as a short trip down the road.” To pattern your parenting after the Fatherhood of God, delight in your children, disciple your children, and, finally…

DISCIPLINE

Discipleship and discipline are two sides to the same coin. And like the two sides of a coin, you can cut them apart and separate them, but you ruin both in the process. Discipleship is like watering a plant and discipline is like picking it up and repotting it after it falls over. As with delight and disciple, we pattern our discipline after the Fatherhood of God. Remember Proverbs 3:11-12 – My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights. The Father disciplines his adopted children in Christ because he loves us and we pattern our parenting after Him. Probably the best known and most important Proverb on patterning our discipline after the Fatherhood of God is Proverbs 13:24 – Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. This Proverb is so helpful because it reveals the motivation, method, and means of discipline. First, the motivation. The motivation for disciplining our children, or you could say reproving or correcting them, is love. Remember, Proverbs teaches that life is a path. We want our children to walk the narrow path and we teach them how. However, our children will begin to veer from the path. On the sides of the path are ditches. It’s incredibly painful for our children to fall into them. Since we love them, we apply the temporary pain of discipline so that they will not stray from the path and incur far worse pain. Do you see the motivation there? The motivation to discipline is not to get out our anger or to break our child’s spirit. The motivation is love. Make no mistake, when we fail to diligently discipline our children, it’s a temporary act of hatred, not mercy. In that moment, we are looking to our own interest over the long-term good of our child. Our Father loves us too much to let us fall into painful ditches and stay there. He loves us, so he pulls us back. His love will give you the love for your child that motivates discipline. Proverbs 13:24 also provides the method of discipline: the rod. Proverbs mentions the rod five different times as the method of parental discipline. Pastor and author Sam Crabtree defines the rod in Proverbs as “a physical device applied physically to awaken attention.” This can be your hand, which is what Andrea and I use as the device that we apply physically to our children’s rear end to awaken attention. Others use a wooden spoon on the rear end. I can remember my mom using my dad’s wooden hair brush on my rear end. Of course, the rod is the method of discipline, not the only method of discipline. God is so smart. He knows that for our children to remain on the narrow path, they need both reproof (words) and the rod (a device applied physically to awaken attention). Proverbs 29:15 prescribes both: “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” This verse would make no sense if the rod was simply a metaphor for reproof. Spanking is one tool in the discipline tool belt. Don’t fall off on the side of treating it as the only tool or the side of not using it all. Even the temporary pain we inflict through spanking is a way of patterning our parenting after our Heavenly Father. Hebrews 12:11 describes the way the Father disciplines us: For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. A spanking may feel painful now, but later it will produce the fruit of keeping them from the greater pain of veering from the narrow path. The motivation is love, the method is the rod (and reproof), and finally Proverbs 13:24 prescribes the means of discipline: diligence. He who loves him is diligent to discipline him. Because we love our children we will apply the rod diligently; consistently and conscientiously. Consistently and conscientiously. Conscientiously means that as parents you develop a clear philosophy of spanking. Consider questions like: For what infractions will we use words of reproof and for which will we use the rod? I recommend the rod for instances of clear, unmistakable defiance or disobedience. Until what age? What will be the routine before the spanking is applied to ensure that it isn’t done out of anger, what are the strict rules for the number of strokes on the rear so that the child feels pain but is never injured, what will be the pattern of prayer, repentance on the part of the child, and restoration of physical warmth? I’m not prescribing answers, but diligence requires that you use the wisdom of God and God’s people to find those answers. Diligence also entails consistency. Once you establish the philosophy based on God’s word and wisdom, stick to it. Don’t be a tyrant whose children live in fear because they don’t know what to expect from you. Be consistent, even when you’re tired or it’s inconvenient, and your children will flourish as you apply discipline consistently and in love.

What can this look like? Most of you who have children have children younger than mine. Let’s imagine you’re the father of a three, four, or five year old. Your child is in one room playing with their toys and you’re in another room working. You call to your child from the other room and tell them to clean up their toys because it’s time to go to Citygroup. They don’t obey you. Should you spank them? No. You cannot expect a young child to obey commands from another room. You’re being lazy and foolish. You’re training them to disobey you and God. Your child has done nothing wrong. They’re being a child. And, sadly, so are you. What should you do? What should you do? Your toddler is playing with their toys and it’s time to clean up. You walk over to your child, get down on their level, make eye contact and with a kind smile tell them, “I’m going to set a one minute timer. When it goes off, it’s time to clean up your toys so that we can go to Citygroup.” Now you’re thinking. You were clear and gave a genuine reason for your instructions. On top of that you were kind. No one likes to be ripped away from their work or play without any notice. Before setting the timer, ask your child to acknowledge that they’ve heard and will clean up when the timer goes off. Please don’t say “I’m going to set a timer, ok?” Don’t ask them if it’s ok. That’s not a genuine question because they’re not in charge. It doesn’t matter if they’re ok with it. They’re the child. Then the timer goes off. You walk over to your child, you get down on her level, look in her eyes while holding her hands so she can’t wiggle away, and you gently say, “it’s time to clean up your toys” and then you give her clear instructions that a child her age can realistically carry out. She responds by saying “no” or another act of clear defiance. What shouldn’t you do? Do not ask her a second time to clean up. Make a solemn vow with your spouse that you’re not going to ask your child to do something twice. Ask twice and you’re training them to disobey you and God, and you’re putting their life in danger. If you train your children to listen to you on the second ask, then when they bolt into the street and you yell “stop,” your words won’t be able to save their life. What should you do? They knew how to obey you, the instructions were clear and doable, but they have defied you. Follow your previously determined spanking routine diligently and with a spirit of love for the child, not anger. Once they’re done crying and they’ve asked God and the person they wronged to forgive them, bring them back to the toys and start again. I imagine you’re also seeing that you’re going to need to ask them to clean up their toys a long time before you actually have to leave for Citygroup. When they start picking up their toys, delight in them. Tell them exactly what they are doing and how delighted you are to see it. Our Heavenly Father is a master encourager, and so should we be. Now, if you’re in this same scenario but your child is 18-30 months old, do the same exact thing, but instead of asking them to clean up their toys after the timer goes off, physically guide them through the clean up process so that they learn what it means to clean up.

CONCLUSION

You are a person of historic significance. It’s ok that you don’t have the resources in yourself to do what you’re supposed to do or be who you are supposed to be a mother, father, spiritual mother, or spiritual father. It’s ok because we can always draw strength from the Fatherhood of God. At the heart of the gospel of Jesus Christ is adoption. Though we were all born as enemies of God and though we have all rebelled against him by disobeying and ignoring him, God sent His only begotten Son to save us. At the cross, the Son of God became what we are so that we can become what He is. He took our sin so that we can be adopted as the forgiven sons and daughters of God. And as our Father delights in us with loud singing, as he disciples us with diligent love, and as he disciplines us with consistency, we experience the grace and power necessary to pattern our parenting after the Fatherhood of God. And who knows, in ten generations there just might be a city full of people who love and serve your God because of you!