Keep the Fire in the Fireplace and Keep it Burning Brightly.

Sermon Transcript

My parents used to live in a log home in the mountains of North Idaho. When our family would go to visit them, I loved to split firewood for their wood burning stove. It’s amazing how that little stove could heat a log home with no insulation in the middle of a North Idaho winter. Fire is incredibly powerful; when safely contained in the wood burning stove, it can provide heat to a home, but outside the stove, that fire can burn the entire house down. In that way, sex is like fire. It’s incredibly powerful; for good or for evil. And since sex is incredibly powerful for good or evil, the Bible is not bashful about sex. It’s what Proverbs 5 is all about. The first part of Proverbs 5 addresses the incredible power of sex for evil. Proverbs 5:3-5 – For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil, [4] but in the end she is bitter as wormwood…her steps follow the path to Sheol. When the fire escapes from the marital fireplace, it burns the whole house down. The second part of Proverbs 5 emphasizes the incredible power of sex for good. Proverbs 5:18-19 – Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth…Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight…When the fire escapes fireplace, it burns the entire house down, but when it is kept burning brightly in the marital fireplace, it brings warmth to the whole house. And that brings us to the big idea of Proverbs 5: Keep the fire in the fireplace and keep it burning brightly. Keep the fire in the fireplace and keep it burning brightly.

Since Proverbs 5 is for literally everyone, I want to put a brief parenthesis here and say two things that I hope will help all of us learn and apply God’s word to us in Proverbs 5. First, this morning our focus will be learning about the incredible power of sex, both for evil and for good, from Proverbs 5 in particular, not from the whole Bible broadly. So, if I don’t answer every question you have or say everything that could be said, please know that’s intentional. Secondly, I recognize that there are a variety of difficult experiences that you may have had with sex. It isn’t possible to acknowledge all experiences but I want you to know that wherever you are, Citylight’s pastors and members care for you, we are here for you, and God’s word from Proverbs 5 is good and relevant for you. God deeply cares for all who have suffered under sexual abuse, all caught in the snare or consequences of sexual sin, all who are single with desires for marriage long unfulfilled – God cares for you and has a word for you from Proverbs 5. Finally, the fire can only burn brightly within the context of a safe marriage. So, if you’re experiencing abuse in your marriage, please talk to one of the pastors, one of the mature women in the church, or our church social worker if we can come alongside you in any way. Ok.

Keep the fire in the fireplace and keep it burning brightly. How do we do that? Proverbs 5 reveals three ways, which will be our three points. The first two focus on keeping the fire in the fireplace, and the final one focuses on keeping it burning brightly. Keep the fire in the fireplace and keep it burning brightly. How? 1. Know that sexual sin is a liar (vv. 1-6) 2. Don’t go near sexual sin (vv. 7-14) 3. Be intoxicated in marital sex (vv. 15-23).

KNOW THAT SEXUAL SIN IS A LIAR (vv. 1-6)

The wise dad begins his very important conversation with his son about sex in marriage not by talking about sex or sexual sin, but by inviting his son to be attentive to wisdom. Proverbs 5:1-2 – My son, be attentive to my wisdom; incline your ear to my understanding, [2] that you may keep discretion, and your lips may guard knowledge. In Proverbs, wisdom is skill in navigating the complexities of life in the real world to the glory of God. Now, why does God, through the voice of a father mentoring his son, begin his life-giving message to us about sex by talking about being attentive to wisdom? Because wisdom makes you skilled in seeing that sexual sin is always talking to you and is always lying. Always talking and always lying! Proverbs 5:3 – For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil… The simple, but deadly lie that sexual temptation of every variety tells us is this: “this will be sweet. Indulge and you’ll feel great!”

What a liar! The truth is found in Proverbs 5:4-6 – but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. [5] Her feet go down to death; her steps follow the path to Sheol; [6] she does not ponder the path of life; her ways wander, and she does not know it. The truth is that sexual sin drips sweet, but goes down bitter. Her words are smooth, but she actually slices your life apart. Sexual sin promises life, but then delivers only death. Like a skilled fisherman, sexual sin shows the bait, but hides the hook. However, when we are attentive to wisdom, when we walk in daily friendship with Jesus, He enables us to see through the lie. He enables us to see that every one of our particular sexual temptations always over-promises and under-delivers; promising life, but delivering death. They lie! To keep the fire in the fireplace and keep it burning brightly, the first step is to know that sexual sin is lying to you.

This brings me to two questions for us all to reflect on. First, what is the primary sexual temptation that you’re facing? What is the primary one, or perhaps two? Second, how is that temptation specifically lying to you? Whether your primary temptation is looking in order to lust, indulging the sexual fantasies that inevitably come into your mind, masturbation, pornography, romantic novels, movies, or shows that tempt you to be discontent with who or what God has given, or a particular person that you’re tempted to sin with, what lie is that temptation telling you? What is that sexual temptation promising to give you? Whatever it is, know that it’s a liar. It sounds sweet, but goes down bitter. Though I’ve been speaking about sexual sin in general, in Proverbs 5 the father is specifically warning his teenage son about the power of an actual forbidden woman’s smooth, flattering, lying words to tempt him away from his wife and toward a physical or emotional affair. In light of the specific context of Proverbs 5, a Christian marriage in particular, and a Christian church in general, should be spaces so full of affirming, encouraging, build-up words that we’re less susceptible to the flattery of a forbidden man or woman. To keep the fire in the fireplace and keep it burning brightly, the first step is to know that sexual sin is a liar. The second is…

DON’T GO NEAR SEXUAL SIN (vv. 7-14)

Knowing that sexual sin is a liar should lead you and me to take practical steps to not go anywhere near sexual sin. That’s where the wise father takes his son next. Proverbs 5:7-8 – And now, O sons, listen to me, and do not depart from the words of my mouth. [8] Keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house… Whether you are married or single, male or female, young or old, if you’re a follower of Jesus Christ, you’ve been born again as an adopted son or daughter of God! By God’s grace in Christ, you’re a sexual saint. Therefore, your redeemed posture toward sexual sin should be simple and decisive: “I’m not going anywhere near that! Not, “how close can I get,” “how far can I flee?”

Not going near sexual sin begins with our eyes and in our hearts. Matthew 5:27-29 – “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ [28] But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. [29] If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. Not going near sexual sin begins with avoiding double looks, confessing sexual or romantic fantasies to the Lord as soon as they begin to nest in your heart, and avoiding entertainment that feeds the lust of the eyes or the heart. Jesus is so wise to say this because a person will never sleep with someone he hasn’t looked at lustfully or fantasized about in their heart. Dating or engaged couples, you will rarely commit sexual sin with one another if you never sleep over and aren’t alone behind a closed door (see citylightphilly.com/dating). Sex is sacred, so don’t go near sexual sin.

However, this passage is most directly about not going near adultery. Therefore, if you’re married and you know or sense that someone who isn’t your spouse is attracted to you or you are attracted to someone in a way that goes beyond admiring their character or finding them handsome or beautiful, keep your distance from them both physically and emotionally. You can be incredibly polite in Christian fellowship or professional at work while maintaining healthy emotional and physical distance. I recommend mentioning your spouse to them often in a positive light in the natural flow of conversation. If you have an inordinate attraction to someone who isn’t your spouse, tell your Heavenly Father and ask him to take the attraction away. Tell one trusted, Christian friend who is wise enough to both hold you accountable and not blow up your life by making more out of it than is warranted. A great rule of thumb is to avoid being alone, in private with a woman who is not your wife or a man that is not your husband. Finally, married couples, your phones should be an open book to each other. Your spouse should be able to check your texts and DM’s at any time and see nothing but wisdom. Why should we stay far away from adultery (and all other sexual sin)? According to Proverbs 5:8-14, the reason why we should stay away from sexual sin is that we’ll deeply regret it if we don’t. We’ll regret it. Keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house, [9] lest you give your honor to others and your years to the merciless, [10] lest strangers take their fill of your strength, and your labors go to the house of a foreigner, [11] and at the end of your life you groan, when your flesh and body are consumed, [12] and you say, “How I hated discipline, and my heart despised reproof! [13] I did not listen to the voice of my teachers or incline my ear to my instructors. [14] I am at the brink of utter ruin in the assembled congregation.” You can be gloriously forgiven for adultery, but you’ll always regret it. Save yourself all that regret and don’t go near it. Finally, to keep the fire in the fireplace and keep it burning brightly…

BE INTOXICATED IN MARITAL SEX (vv. 15-23)

Let’s walk step-by-step through the father’s instruction to his son in Proverbs 5:15-20 so that we understand them, then we’ll draw out the key principle, and finally we’ll do our best to apply the principle to singles and married couples. Proverbs 5:15 – Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. OT scholar Ray Ortlund, commenting on this verse writes, “The metaphor is water, to satisfy a raging thirst.” The father is telling his son, “Don’t bottle up your sexual passion, but do take it all to your wife in love-making, drink from your own well.” We’ll get to how this applies to singles and married couples, but for now, we’re sticking close to the text and the father’s wisdom to his son. Proverbs 5:16-17 – Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. The father is telling his son that his wife and his wife only is his divinely approved wellspring of sexual intimacy. Keep the fire in the fireplace. But enough defense, now the father goes on offense in Proverbs 5:18-19. OT scholars agree that Proverbs 5:18-19 is a prayer. The wise father knows how important it is for his son to be intoxicated in marital sex, so he prays for it. Proverbs 5:18-19 – Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, [19] a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. The words that the father prays clearly emphasize quality and quantity love-making. The prayer carries the force of a delightful command from God himself: The young man is to enjoy high quality and high quantity love-making with his wife; delightful and at all times.

The principle: Sex is so sacred and powerful within a marriage, & sexual sin so hideous, that married couples must do everything possible to pursue high quality and high quantity sex through mutual sexual self-giving. You may ask why I feel comfortable expanding this principle to married couples, when Proverbs 5 focuses on the young man. Well, because there is a New Testament parallel to Proverbs 5 in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where God clarifies that bodies of married couples belong to one another – The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

How do we apply this? We’ll begin with singles (citylightphilly.com/dating) and then married couples. In their book The Meaning of Marriage, Tim & Kathy Keller write that it’s especially challenging for a single person, especially one whose desires for marriage have gone long-unfulfilled, to honor the Lord by practicing Christian chastity in our culture because our culture conflates our sexual experiences with our identity. Therefore, the Kellers write that the first and most important thing single Christians need to experience to honor God with their sexuality is the most important thing we all need: The spousal love of Jesus in your life. They write, “To resist temptation, we have to speak the truth to our hearts. We must remind them that sex simply cannot fill the cosmic need for closure that our souls seek in romance. Only meeting Christ face-to-face will fill the emptiness in our hearts that sin created when we lost our unbroken fellowship with him. But we are not simply called to wait…this is available now through prayer.” Sex is sacred, but it’s not Christ. Christ is better than any sex or spouse. The love of Jesus is better. That well never runs dry. Singles, you also need the life-giving fellowship in the bond of covenant community, called the church. The local church both provides deeply intimate relationships, but also guidance and wisdom as you pursue marriage. Enjoy the intimacy of the Body of Christ. Finally, singles, if you burn with passion, pursue marriage. Now, I know that some of you are thinking, “if you only knew. I’m trying.” I know. My heart breaks for your desires unfulfilled. In this moment, I’m not talking to you. I am speaking to those of you who burn with passion and yet are unnecessarily delaying marriage or are pursuing marriage without the guiding wisdom of your church family. Pursue godly marriages with the guidance of the godly people right here in your church. Singles, only Jesus satisfies fully. Wait on him.

Married couples, let’s return to the principle. Sex is so sacred and powerful within a marriage, & sexual sin so hideous, that married couples must do everything possible to pursue high quality and high quantity sex through mutual sexual self-giving.

Married couples let’s face it, sex in marriage often isn’t easy. It can be quite challenging to enjoy high quality and high quantity sex through mutual self-giving. One of the challenges many married couples will face when it comes to applying Proverbs 5 is quality; your sexual intimacy doesn’t feel intoxicating or delightful. Perhaps it never has or maybe you’re in a season when the sex is just adequate. Don’t panic or be ashamed. Instead, gently and humbly begin to talk about it. Husbands – take the lead in this conversation both because the Bible says that you’re the “head of your wife,” which means you need to go ahead, but also because often, though not always, it’s easier for a husband to enjoy sex than a wife. Ask her non-accusatory, non-demanding questions like, “Is there anything I can do to make sex more delightful and intoxicating for you?” Let her answer without being defensive or pouting. Wives, then in an act of self-giving love, ask him the same question. That’s the right attitude because sex isn’t about performance and technique, but about mutual self-giving. In sex, the greatest delight is seeing the other delight. So, stop trying to perform and start talking about how you can please the other more and more. These are life-long, not seasonal questions to discuss. In light of the sacred power of sex, Tim and Kathy Keller write, “never give up working on your sex life.”

Another challenge most married couples will face relates to quantity; there is a mismatch between one spouse’s desired frequency and the other. Often, though certainly not always, a husband will desire greater quantity than his wife. Like with challenges related to quality, the way through the quantity challenge is, once again, the principle of self-giving. Tim and Kathy Keller write “If your main purpose in sex is giving pleasure, not getting pleasure, then a person who doesn’t have as much of a sex drive physically can give to the other person as a gift. This is a legitimate act of love, and it shouldn’t be denigrated by saying, “Oh, no, no. Unless you’re going to be all passionate, don’t do it.” Do it as a gift.” Wives, since typically, though not always, your husband will desire a higher sexual quantity than you, a great question that you can ask him is, “How is our frequency for you? Does our frequency feel like the “at all times” description in Proverbs 5?” Wives, a question you can ask yourself is, “How can I make it as easy as possible for him to know I’m interested or, if not interested, at least lovingly available?” As the older pastor’s wife Rebeca Beidel says, “Imagine your husband is parched with thirst in a dry desert and you’re the only one in the world that holds a cup of water. How can you withhold it from him?” Go out of your way to invite him, as Proverbs 5 says, at all times. Husbands and wives – sex is about self-giving. How can you make this as easy as possible for the other? Married couples – if you’re facing quality or quantity challenges, please don’t panic. If you’re in a unique season like just having a baby, chronic illness, or menopause, give it time, be patient, talk openly, and work together for positive movement. Try not to settle for a poor sexual relationship. Sex in a fallen world is always incomplete and imperfect, but talk, pray, repent of sin, and work together toward greater quality and quantity. If the topic of sex is too hot for you to handle as a married couple without constant conflict, ask a trusted Christian couple or one of your pastors to help. Husbands – take the lead and initiate the conversation. Wives – this probably isn’t going to be easy for him to initiate and lead, go easy on him. You don’t need more techniques, you need a lot of gospel and a lot of vulnerable communication over the course of years, not weeks or months. Keep the fire in the fireplace and keep it burning brightly, by God’s grace and for his glory.

CONCLUSION

Now, the fascinating thing about Proverbs 5 is that though it’s all about keeping the sexual fire in the fireplace and keeping it burning brightly, Proverbs 5 neither begins nor ends with sex. It begins with wisdom, but ends with judgment. The close of Proverbs 5 is quite terrifying. Proverbs 5:21-23 – For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the LORD, and he ponders all his paths. [22] The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin. [23] He dies for lack of discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray. All our sexual ways are before the Lord and that’s terrifying because none of us has honored the Lord and people with our precious sexuality as we ought. We are all guilty of failing to do and be what God requires. All of us but One. There is One who walked in complete sexual fidelity and His name is Jesus Christ and he is the friend of sexual sinners. He walked the path of sexual faithfulness on our behalf so that he can give us his sexual righteousness. He died on the cross for sexual sinners who turn to him in faith so that all our sexual guilt can be forgiven. He rose to give new life to all who believe in Him, a life of fresh power to keep the fire in the fireplace and keep it burning brightly. Jesus is the grace that we sexual sinners need. As Sinclair Ferguson writes, “God’s mercy in Christ helps us to our feet when we have fallen, and defends and protects us when we are weak and helpless. God’s mercy pours the oil of healing into the wounds in our conscience, our heart, our memories, and our personality.”