Quit Before the Quarrel Breaks Out

Sermon Transcript

What comes to mind when you think of an honorable person? Someone who is respectable and reputable? Ok – what comes to mind when you think about a foolish person? Someone who isn’t respectable and you don’t want to imitate? Proverbs says that one simple, profound way to tell the difference between an honorable person, which we all want to be, and a foolish person, which none of us wants to be, is whether or not they are quarrelsome. Proverbs 20:3 – “It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling.” The respectable person that everyone admires keeps themselves out of strife, but every fool finds a quarrel. Now, the word “quarrel” is all over the Proverbs, but it’s not a particularly common English word. What is quarreling? Pastor and theologian Kevin DeYoung writes, “Of course, there are honest disagreements and agree-to-disagree propositions, but that’s not what the Bible means by quarreling. Quarrels, at least in Proverbs, are unnecessary arguments, the kind that honorable men stay away from (Prov. 17:14; 20:3). And elders too (1 Tim. 3). These fights aren’t the product of a loving rebuke or a principled conviction. These quarrels arise because people are quarrelsome.” Another pastor and seminary professor, Tom Hicks, writes, “‘…a conflict becomes a quarrel when it’s sinfully combative or contentious.” Other words used synonymously with “quarrel” in Proverbs are “strife,” “fight,” and “hatred.”

Even among born again believers in Jesus Christ, quarreling is quite common. We quarrel at work, with one another in the church, and at home with our spouse, children, or roommates. However, Proverbs says that despite how common quarreling is, it’s no way to live.

Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it. – 15:17.
As charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife. – 26:21
It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. – 21:19

Have you ever been to the desert? Proverbs is saying that it’s better to be stuck in the desert, forever, scrounging for herbs than to live in a Main Line mansion with a quarrelsome wife. We want to kill the sin of quarreling because it’s no way to live. As Christians, we have even more significant reason to kill the sin of quarreling. And that reason is the person and work of Jesus Christ. For he [Jesus Christ] himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility…18 For through him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father. 19 So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God… (Ephesians 2:14, 18-19). As Christians, we want to kill quarreling among us because Christ died and rose for our sins to reconcile us to God as our Father and one another as brothers and sisters. Quarrels erect walls of hostility among us that Jesus died to break down. But the world will know we belong to Christ by our love for one another. A church that loves one another is compelling to our non-Christian friends. Quarreling mars that. Now quarreling begins as a matter of the heart, therefore, at the heart of Proverbs on quarreling is learning to quit a quarrel when it’s first stirring in our hearts. Proverbs 17:14 says, “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.” Imagine a dam holding back a body of water. Once there is a breach in the dam, the water is flowing and it’s not stopping. The beginning of strife is like that. Once it gets going, it’s flowing and there is no stopping. That brings us to the big idea of Proverbs on quarreling: Quit before the quarrel breaks out. Proverbs provides at least three ways to quit before the quarrel breaks out: 1. Hold your annoyance back 2. Don’t speak against one another (believe it or not last week we did not even cover everything Proverbs has to say about speech) 3. Overlook offenses

HOLD YOUR ANNOYANCE BACK

One of the best ways to quit before the quarrel breaks out is to not show or express your annoyance when you feel it. Proverbs 12:16a – The vexation of a fool is known at once… Vexation is similar to annoyance. Think about those moments that lead you to roll your eyes or say “ugh.” That’s when you’re vexed, or annoyed. One of the best ways to quit before the quarrel breaks out is to hold your annoyance back; when you feel it, don’t let it be known by your words or the expression on your face. This matters because quarreling grows out of annoyance in your heart. However, annoyance is a bit like a wave in the ocean; intense, but short-lived. If you’ve played in the waves down the shore, then you know that when a wave rises and hits you, it’s very intense. However, if you duck under the wave and wait a moment, the wave passes very quickly. Similarly, annoyance is an intense emotion, but if you don’t express it immediately, the intensity of it usually passes quickly. And when it passes, you’re so thankful that you didn’t speak at the height of the wave because your words would have stirred up a quarrel. That’s why Proverbs so consistently teaches to hold your annoyance back. Other Proverbs commend not making our annoyance and frustration known when we feel it.

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. – 15:1 It’s better to hold your annoyance back, give a soft answer, and revisit the issue later when you’re not feeling angry.
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. – 29:11 It’s no virtue to give full vent to what you’re feeling when you feel it. Quietly hold it back. Being godly is better than being true to your feelings.

When you’re feeling irked, annoyed, irritated, triggered, or vexed, you will make wrong judgments. The battle against letting the quarrel break out is usually won or lost within the first thirty seconds of initially feeling annoyed. Hold your annoyance back. Now, what makes this approach Christian and different from mindfulness and detachment is that when the Christian quietly holds it back, they are actively turning to Christ. The Christian fills their mind with the mercy Christ shows them, the kindness Christ extends to them, and the providential rule of Christ over every detail of their lives, which frees us to go beyond holding our reaction back to expressing a soft answer that turns away the wrath of the moment. To quit before a quarrel breaks out, turn to Christ and entrust your annoyance to him instead of making your annoyance known immediately.

DON’T SPEAK AGAINST ONE ANOTHER

The second way to quit before a quarrel breaks out is to drive a fresh nail through the temptation to speak against one another everyday. Proverbs identifies at least two ways of speaking against one another that we need to put to death in order to quit before a quarrel breaks out.

The first is slander. Proverbs 10:18 – The one who conceals hatred has lying lips, and whoever utters slander is a fool. Slander is when you lie about someone, typically to benefit yourself in some way. Who of us hasn’t blamed something that was really our fault on a co-worker, a family member, a roommate, or a spouse in order to get out of a bind or embarrassment? That’s slander and it leads to quarreling. An even more common form of slander than all out lying is speaking about someone in a manner that is so unbalanced that you’re really expressing a falsehood. For example, if you primarily mention the faults of a fellow church member to another church member without also consistently pointing out their graces, you’re unbalancing the truth to the point that you’re lying about and slandering their character. That leads to quarreling. This is similar to exaggerating. A great way to quit before a quarrel breaks out is to refuse to lie, unbalance, or exaggerate the faults of a vendor, a client, a co-worker, a fellow church member, your spouse, or your children. Even if it’s half a joke or said in a witty or sarcastic way, it can easily become a quarrel. Quit before a quarrel breaks out.

The second way we speak against one another is gossip. We’ve talked about gossip before in Proverbs, but it bears repeating because gossip leads to so much of the ugly quarreling that can often characterize a church that Christ died to unite as a family. The difference between slander and gossip is that slander is always false, whereas gossip is when we speak true things about someone in a way that doesn’t edify or benefit them. In Proverbs, a gossip is also called a whisperer. That’s a vivid image; a whisperer.

A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.-16:28
The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body. -18:8
For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases. -26:20

One of the best ways to quit a quarrel before it breaks out is to drive a fresh nail through the temptation to speak against one another, whether through slander or gossip. Now, this doesn’t mean that a Christian can never speak about someone without them present. To say it positively, it is morally acceptable and, at times, necessary to speak about someone, even about their sins and shortcomings without them present. Now, you might be thinking, “wait, isn’t that the sin of gossip?” Of course not! Are Andrea and I really committing the sin of gossip any time we speak about one of our children’s sins or weaknesses when they’re not present? No, not necessarily, so long as we’re doing it for the purpose of getting a good plan for helping them. Now, I should say that speaking about someone’s deficiencies when they aren’t present is not immoral, but it is a moral hazard. It can easily slip into slander, gossip, or whispering that separates friends. Therefore, when you do speak about someone when they’re not present, especially about their sins and weaknesses, make sure you’re all doing it for their good, in order to get a good plan to help them repent of their sin or overcome their weakness. Keep the circle small (no whisperer, passing things around, no separating close friends), keep the circle mature (only spiritual people should restore others), and keep the circle from venting. Anything else and it may lead to quarreling. When speaking about someone when they’re not present, run what you’re about to say through the THINK acronym. My son taught me this. Is it: True, Helpful, Important, Necessary, Kind. To quit before a quarrel breaks out, hold your annoyance back and don’t speak against one another. With that said, we are ready to get to the heart of quitting before a quarrel breaks out…

OVERLOOK OFFENSES

To quit a quarrel before it breaks out, the Christian should be constantly overlooking sins, or what Proverbs calls offenses, because that’s what love does. Proverbs 10:12 – Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.

Now, and this is really important, we typically think of offenses in two categories. Category one is when people offend us by breaking our law and category two is when people offend us by breaking God’s law.

When someone offends us by breaking our law, they haven’t so much sinned against as us annoyed us. When your spouse chews too loudly, when your roommate loads the dishwasher wrong, or when your co-worker includes the words “per my last email” in their email to you, they haven’t offended you by violating God’s law, they’ve annoyed you by violating your law. You’re annoyed. You’re vexed. What do you do in that moment in order to quit before a quarrel breaks out? Proverbs says, “Stop being the fool who is so easily annoyed.” Proverbs 12:16 – The vexation [annoyance] of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult. Turn to Christ and ask for His grace and perspective to not be so easily offended. 1,000 years into glory with Christ you’re not going to care that their tone was a little off. Don’t be so thin-skinned.

But what do you do when someone offends you by violating God’s law? What do you do when they’ve sinned against God and you’re negatively affected? To quit before a quarrel breaks out your default should be to overlook it. Christians should be constantly overlooking another’s sins. By the way, when Proverbs uses the word “offenses,” it’s not typically talking about annoyances. Offenses = sins. Overlook them:

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses -10:12
Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense -19:11
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. – 1 Peter 4:8

My father-in-law runs a family-owned landscape supply business. One of the maintenance tasks you have to do in his business is grease the trucks to reduce friction and prevent wear and tear on moving parts. Overlooking offenses is the grease that removes the friction in a church so that we can get on worshipping our Father, loving one another, and fulfilling the mission that Christ has given us to make disciples among all nations. The grease that removes the friction so that we can keep locking arms to fulfill Christ’s mission is constantly overlooking offenses. To quit before the quarrel breaks out, overlook offenses in your heart because that’s what the love of Christ pouring down on you and bent out horizontally looks like.

While overlooking offenses should be our normal course of action in a Christian church, marriage, and family, as well as the normal course for Christians out in the world, there are times when overlooking sins, whether in personal situations or on larger scales of injustice, isn’t the wisest course of action. While the typical way to deal with one another’s sins is to overlook offenses, there are occasional times when an open rebuke is necessary. Proverbs 27:5 – Better is open rebuke than hidden love. An open rebuke is when you tell a brother or sister their sin with an aim to win them back to trust in and obedience to Christ. An open rebuke should begin one-to-one and the circle should only widen if the person does not repent, as Jesus teaches in Matthew 18. If, over time and after multiple warnings, they still refuse to repent, Jesus says in Matthew 18:27, that they should be removed from the membership of the church as a stern warning to lead them back to Christ. This slow, step-by-step, approach to rebuke that starts with a small circle helps avoid quarreling and slander.

How do we know when it’s the right time to overlook a sin in love or when it’s better to give an open rebuke in love? In general, when a brother or sister sins in a way that is out of character and the consequences aren’t that significant, you should overlook it because you love them. However, when they sin in a way that is observable, significant, and repeated without repentance, it’s time for an open rebuke between you and them alone. When a particular sin shifts from being occasional to characteristic of someone, then it’s time for an open rebuke. For example, if one week I show up at Roby and Ernie’s house for Citygroup and one of my children does something foolish and I immediately yell at them in anger, Ernie should probably overlook it. He should probably say to himself, “Huh, that was sinful, but I love him and that was out of character, so I’ll overlook it.” However, if the same thing happens next week and then again three weeks after that, it’s time for Ernie to pull me aside and gently say, “Matt, you’re repeatedly giving into sinful anger toward your children. This has become a sinful pattern and you need to turn from it. Do you see it? Would you pray about it and let’s grab coffee next week to discuss more and pray together. I’d love to help.” To quit before a quarrel breaks out, overlook offenses in your heart normally and, when necessary, provide an open rebuke, all done in the power of Christ’s love.

Why does this matter so much? Ephesians 4:3 says that we should be eager to maintain the unity and peace that Christ died and rose to establish among us. Eager to maintain the unity and peace that our Savior died and rose to establish among us. Lord-willing, one day, I am going to give our daughter Sage away to a godly young man in marriage. Through years of prayer, love, instruction, and gentle discipline, we hope to give our daughter away as an exquisite bride to a godly young man. And I plan to tell him to handle her with the greatest of care because she means the world to us. Friends, Christ has done infinitely more than Andrea and I ever will to give us the gift of the church. He lived a perfectly righteous life on our behalf, died to forgive our sins, and rose to remove everything that divides us. He has purchased unity and peace for us with his own blood. Our unity and peace as a church is an exquisite gift. Handle it with the greatest care. It means the world to Him.